Of Plants, Torment and the Like

I like plants, they are peaceful and quiet. Their colors are richer than those on a screen. I like specially those that are edible; I often request permission before cutting them. Flowering buds are most pretentious and delicate. In some cases, you have to talk them into flowering. 

They, like us humans, don’t want to die. Flowers last so little…

What do you do with fear?

It gets in the way most unnecessarily…

It’s an inevitable emotion.

A Zen master would command me to embrace it. Any rocker would say I should fight it. Most women I know would say: don’t bother thinking about it…

All are interesting wording choices. But which is mine?

I dreamt of death in the shape of my grandmother. I couldn’t resist its call, even if I knew it was a monster. In previous nightmares, I used to fight. Why didn’t I fight last night? Did I feel like dying? I recall thinking that there was nothing left to interest me; that all that was left was the possibility of children, and death. That’s all I could hope for.

Why, I ask, have you lost your faith in life at 28 years of age? What has it ever done to you?

I blame it for all the awful pain I’m going through. I know it’s not its fault. It’s like yelling at one’s husband during painful childbirth.

Fault is irrelevant, anyways.

What do you do with anger?

Do I trust that my destiny is written? Do I write it myself? I do both, just in case, on a regular basis.

I fear there’s nothing left for me out there. I’ve been given so much so far. I can’t even imagine anything for the future… Everything I hope for, I fear I’ll never have, and then become angry at the possibility; after that all is lost, I need something to break the tension and give me a fresh start.

I’m sick of living like this.

Anger and fear… What do I do with you?

Why did I fall in love with someone who torments my head by his mere presence? Do all men torment women?

Is it even worth it? At least, I have to find out…

In an ideal scenario, where would you live? In a small house, with enough garden.

In an ideal world, what skills would you have? Construction, I’d fix and remake my house forever and ever.

In an ideal world, what would you be doing right now? Exercising, running under the sun and sweating like a junky in rehab.

In an ideal world, how would you be remembered? As a creator of good fiction, and a pretty girl we all fell in love with.

Maybe, just maybe, I’d go the extra mile. I hope it’s in the right direction.

There is no direction in space, there is no ‘right one’, there is only yours.

Shut up, you kill me, really.

D.