I like
plants, they are peaceful and quiet. Their colors are richer than those on a
screen. I like specially those that are edible; I often request permission
before cutting them. Flowering buds are most pretentious and delicate. In some
cases, you have to talk them into flowering.
They, like us humans, don’t want
to die. Flowers last so little…
What do you
do with fear?
It gets in
the way most unnecessarily…
It’s an
inevitable emotion.
A Zen
master would command me to embrace it. Any rocker would say I should fight it.
Most women I know would say: don’t bother thinking about it…
All are
interesting wording choices. But which is mine?
I dreamt of
death in the shape of my grandmother. I couldn’t resist its call, even if I
knew it was a monster. In previous nightmares, I used to fight. Why didn’t I
fight last night? Did I feel like dying? I recall thinking that there was
nothing left to interest me; that all that was left was the possibility of
children, and death. That’s all I could hope for.
Why, I ask,
have you lost your faith in life at 28 years of age? What has it ever done to
you?
I blame it
for all the awful pain I’m going through. I know it’s not its fault. It’s like
yelling at one’s husband during painful childbirth.
Fault is
irrelevant, anyways.
What do you
do with anger?
Do I trust
that my destiny is written? Do I write it myself? I do both, just in case, on a
regular basis.
I fear
there’s nothing left for me out there. I’ve been given so much so far. I can’t
even imagine anything for the future… Everything I hope for, I fear I’ll never
have, and then become angry at the possibility; after that all is lost, I need
something to break the tension and give me a fresh start.
I’m sick of
living like this.
Anger and
fear… What do I do with you?
Why did I
fall in love with someone who torments my head by his mere presence? Do all men
torment women?
Is it even
worth it? At least, I have to find out…
In an ideal
scenario, where would you live? In a small house, with enough garden.
In an ideal
world, what skills would you have? Construction, I’d fix and remake my house
forever and ever.
In an ideal
world, what would you be doing right now? Exercising, running under the sun and
sweating like a junky in rehab.
In an ideal
world, how would you be remembered? As a creator of good fiction, and a pretty
girl we all fell in love with.
Maybe, just
maybe, I’d go the extra mile. I hope it’s in the right direction.
There is no direction in space, there is no
‘right one’, there is only yours.
Shut up,
you kill me, really.
D.
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