Upset

I believe the main reason I dread December, is because I face the time for a personal balance. Never in my life have I worried about money. Even when I had to choose between having lunch or buying a pack of cigarettes, I had a paycheck I could count on. I chose cigarettes and thought ‘it’s all good, that way I will lose weight’. The truth is choosing cigarettes over lunch became a heavy health crisis over the years.

I’m not thirty yet, but I’m old enough to know that you have to think smart and think healthy in order to have a comfortable life. Smart is what causes most trouble for me. I don’t consider myself smart, even though so far I’ve handled people well enough to keep a steady job as well as personal clients.

How would one define thinking smart?

First, you need a goal. Mine is pretty simple, to live comfortably, no debts I can’t pay, no health problems which would drain me out of money, a nice place I can call home.

Ok, I have my goal. I will take a paragraph to rant.

As I write this, my partner is playing the Sims. I feel he is playing to make a house when he should be working in order to get one in real life, at least working to help me afford the rent, which is higher than my monthly income. I pay for two and earn for almost –almost- one.

People would say I’m stupid for putting up with this situation, my partner is out of work but he’s a good man I can trust to be there when needed. His family is very supportive too. I think he wants children as well, but not in the near future. As far as I’m concerned, my clock is ticking. I believe in the possibility of loving someone and keeping that someone next to you until you’re both old, cranky and full of wrinkles. I believe that love is important when it comes to making a family, and I love him, there’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m not that much of a practical thinker. I’m trusting life to keep me safe, it has done well so far. All harm that has come to me, I’ve caused it myself, and I know it hasn’t been as bad as it could have.

I’m upset, that’s all. After being upset, comes despair, and then I cry and cry and cry until there’s nothing left of me. That way I can start over. I’m pissed at myself.

But you shouldn’t, think I, because you’ve done what you could. You have flaws, D., you make mistakes, you break under pressure. You’re human.

You’re human.

All humans fear, all humans doubt. As usual, you start from scratch and take it from there. If you’re tired, you sleep. You’re in a better position than a lot of people, you should be thankful for that, always be thankful.

D.